Carlin, Brooks, and God
by Maggie Van Ostrand
I recently had the privilege of interviewing God about His plans to file lawsuits against individual members of Congress. Though I could not actually see God in the flesh, as it were, I knew he was there, because Gefilte fish, whole grain bread, and a chalice of wine were on the table next to his iPhone.
REPORTER: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lord, and setting aside time from earth’s many other problems, like poverty, pestilence, and politics.
GOD: I don't mind setting aside time, as long as it's Daylight Savings Time. I wonder why that's still in use. But I digress. It pleases me that the New York Times has sent someone to seek Truth from the actual Source of Truth. No, put that Bible away. It's silly to take an oath to myself. Just ask your questions.
REPORTER: What are the charges, and how did you decide it was time to sue?
GOD: Ah, a two-parter. You sound like Maggie Haberman. I decided to sue when my communications were ignored by a few whose personal agendas were supported by many. Charges are: Ignoring Emma Lazarus's Statue of Liberty poem; failing to follow the U.S. Constitution; and, most importantly, witless tampering with my 10 Commandments. George Carlin was the only exception to that last one.
Speaking of comedians and commandments, Mel Brooks was correct when he said there had originally been 15 Commandments on three, not two, stone tablets. However, the third one fell from his arms and smashed into pieces as he was stumbling under their weight coming down the Mount. I said to the real Moses, "I've tried to teach you three things: No running with scissors, no coloring outside the lines, and don't carry three heavy stone tablets down a mount all at the same time. What, you want a hernia?" But did he listen? Those tablets should've been stored in the iCloud.
REPORTER: Did the real Moses get to see the real You?
GOD: Yes and no. I only revealed my Afterglow.
REPORTER: Then how did you communicate with regular humans, and were there really five more Commandments?
GOD: I use only one method: Conscience. It escapes even me that some humans know they’re doing wrong, and do it anyway. What, they can’t read a Bible? They can't Google? They want to continue messing with me? All I ask is that humans follow my commands, etched in stone by Mallet & Chisel Corp. LLC, as well as the five on the broken tablet, to wit:
11. Thou shalt quit redistricting.
12. Thou shalt avoid mockery of and threats against other humans.
13. Thou shalt not steal the children of huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
14. Thou shalt not bear false witness against the FBI.
15. Thou shalt not use bully pulpit as a place from which to bully.
Did they think I was kidding when I said ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’ For Heaven’s sake, we took a vote; not a single angel, or any other member of the celestial hierarchy, wants humans who create fear, hatred, and division. Machiavelli came up with “Divide and ye govern,” so we wonder if certain Congresspersons wish to obey someone whose very name means lies and deception and besides, it's hard to spell "Machiavelli." Perhaps I should not have given the background check assignment on congress to the same people who vetted Sarah Palin.
REPORTER: Are any congresspersons actually named in your proposed lawsuit?
GOD: There are a few in South Carolina who need to memorize the U.S. Constitution and my Commandments, especially the Ninth. I remember when Mark Sanford messed with me and broke One, Three, Seven, and Nine; he was re-elected anyway. Can you believe it? After his second term, he ended up living in his son's frat house. Thanks to the huge number of Hindus and Buddhists in Heaven, it was Karma as usual and bad juju for him.
I would have included Lindsey Graham, but there’s no commandment against being arrogant and hypocritical; if there were, I would have sued Newt Gingrich long ago. I'll name McConnell and McCarthy, even if it is St. Patrick's Day, for Obstruction of democracy. And I'm going to name Devin Nunes for faulty fealty.
Those politicians who do not pay attention and mend their ways had better realize that even I have a limit to watching their irksome behavior. They think they can get away with anything they want, as long as their ratings stay high. They know only vengeance and spite, but I know lightning and smite.
REPORTER: One more question, Lord. Which attorney will represent you in this lawsuit?
GOD: Actually, I started with the Michaels: Cohen and Avanetti, but they both failed to get Security Clearances. I had to put an ad on Craig’s List.
REPORTER: Why don't you use a lawyer in Heaven?
GOD: There aren't any.