Naked Came the Canadians
by Maggie Van Ostrand
With all the nudity going on in Canada, I'm beginning to think nobody wears any clothes at all, except maybe the mannequins in the shop windows. For many, clothing is considered "cultural body armor." Get this:
• Seven naked Canadian guys came out of their closets leaving all the clothing on the hangers. "Totally Naked Toronto Men Enjoying Nudity (TNT Men) were arrested wearing only shoes, and charged with obscene behavior. Lawyer Peter Simm, a TNT Men member himself, said that his clients wouldn't have been considered naked if they had worn a fig leaf. If a person wears only one article of clothing, the court would have to prove that the person was "outrageously dressed."
The Crown, presumably fully attired, faxed naked lawyer Simm and said they need more time to "consider the position of the Crown" regarding the charges. "Although our legal research has been completed, we require further time to consider the many 'policy' issues that you raise in your brief. As you can appreciate, the decision of the Crown in this particular case may have other implications in the future." Prime Minister Paul Martin and members of Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry did not know what the Crown meant by "other implications in the future."
• Two more naked Canadian men ordered doughnuts at Tim Hortons drive-through in Carunna. And they did it on two separate occasions. Since they were both sitting in the back seat, with what body part did they steer the car?
The two men will be in court in May facing charges of indecent exposure. I suppose if they were anything outstanding to see, their exposure would've been called decent.
• And remember Australia's Naked News? Naked News features entertainment and current events stories read by newscasters who begin the program fully clothed and undress throughout the show. Why is this information relevant? Naked News is Canadian-produced, that's why.
• Over 2,000 buck nekkid people showed up for a photo shoot in Montreal when only 300 had been expected. There were naked Canadians all over the place, lying in tiers on ice cold cement, sitting on steps, a timid few curled beneath the Canadian flag. When the same photographer tried this in New York, he was arrested by NYPD Blues. No wonder so many Americans flee to Canada, where they have yet another benefit: Freedom of the Flesh.
• The Federation of Canadian Naturists (FCN) with La Fédération Québécoise de naturisme (FQN), constitute the national nudist organization in Canada. Here's the good part: The FQN is planning a Nude Cruise to the Greek Islands from October 6 to 15th, flight from Montréal to Paris, then Athens. Cost is CA $2995 per person, double occupancy. Deadline to reserve is May 30th, with a $250 deposit. Contact Royal du Perron 514-858-7215, email: firstname.lastname@example.org. It will come as no surprise to Caffimage readers that the Nude Cruise should naturally be to the Greek Islands, since the first Olympics game ever, back in 776 BC, was a skin sprint.
• One person who might be interested in such a cruise is the BC man who had been convicted of indecency while in his own house, a conviction recently overturned by the Supreme Court of Canada. He had been observed masturbating in his living room by neighbours who were spying on him from their darkened bedroom using binoculars and a telescope. The man should have been upset enough to bring charges against the neighbors for the insult of having to use binoculars and a telescope to identify his winky.
• Nudity is so popular in Canada that there's a book about it, "Au Naturel: The History of Nudism in Canada," by James Woycke, PhD, a history professor at the University of Western Ontario, who researched Canadian nudism from Newfoundland to Vancouver Island. Perhaps he could've completed his research in a few weeks instead of taking over ten years. Then again, who can blame him?
You can find out where to get legally naked in Canada at http://www.nudistexplorer.com/nudecan.htm#ca
Let it be known that the publisher, editor, and staff of the Canadian publications for which I write often arrive at work fully clothed. They have never had a problem with the law.